Early September I had my final session with my psychologist. Bernadette was moving to Canberra for a position in the Department of Defense, and after a discussion with my doctor I had decided to not seek the services of another psychologist. I felt like the law of diminished returns had kicked in, and was at a better place than I have been in years.
Bernadette did have some final advice, or a passing shot as it felt like at the time. Something I had not been willing to address if my complete lack of action, and only academic interest, in dating. When you suffer from low self-esteem, depression and varying degrees of anxiety, the idea of being in a meaningful relationship feels as impossible as winning the lottery. While the mental health issues are mostly under control, dating and being in relationships still seems to be something for people who are not me.
In the ensuring conversation with Bernadette, I told her that I use Tinder, and while I get the occasional match, I struggle to start a conversation with any of them. I admitted that this was because of a fear of rejection, and failure. She pointed out that I was already rejecting myself and failing myself.
Since then I made a promise to myself that I would only swipe right on women I would be willing to message, and to message all matches. This has resulted in fourteen matches, and no real conversations.
Which leaves me drinking twelve year old Scotch and watching Designated Survivor on a Saturday night, instead of chatting, either virtually or over drinks, with a curvy redhead insurance broker with unlikely blue eyes.
A coworker tells me that many people use Tinder as an ego boost rather than to meet people, which if true doesn’t help me much.
I keep staring at my pen wondering how to end this without it simply being a woe is me story, but all I can say is Bernadette, I’m going to keep trying.
Adrian's Got The Moose 
This resonates. You could get a local spot in the paper. This weeks honesty check in.. cause we all need it. So many of us just feel like crap. Can’t seem to get it right. This chemistry thing. This energy thing. This conversational stuff. The world doesn’t cater for people who aren’t go getters.
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