Author: Adrian's Got the Moose

Somewhere on Route 60 a headache with accompanying waves of queasiness hit me, probably caused by the ill-advised substitution of sleep for caffeine with a side order of the  underlying tension of the last month. Alighting from the bus, The Anxiety hits. Can all these exquisite twenty-somethings actually see this fucking headache? Is my fly undone? I feel like my dialect of English is entirely unknown here, I would be better off trying  to converse in Latin. Motherfucker, that is the fourth “Cheer Up Emo Kid”  t-shirt I have seen in the last two minutes. Do Emos even still exist? Surely they have all been wiped out by some angst-plague by now.

I retreat to a food court and grab a Boost juice, using it to wash down a handful of Maxigesics. This seems to help, but the knowledge that there  is more bus, more driving plus airport before I sleep is doing nothing for the queasiness.

Will the art gallery help? surely the obnoxious school kid density should be lower. There is only so much push-up bra fourteen year olds acting as dumb as  possible and dudebros named Daniel reeking of Lynx Africa pretending to be gangsters I should be expected to put up with.

a few hours and some retail therapy later, I’m drinking my fifth  ice coffee for the day and indulging in some people watching in between pages of my book.  Some impromptu soapbox action is going on. a too-pretty woman is lecturing an indifferent and inattentive audience about her battle with substance abuse. I’m feeling normal enough now to wonder how blurred the line is between substance abuse and medication. Anyway I enjoy my substance abuse.

At some point I realised I was channeling Hunter S Thompson, then it got worse.

Early September I had my final session with my psychologist. Bernadette was moving to Canberra for a position in the Department of  Defense, and after a discussion with my doctor I had decided to not seek the services of another psychologist. I felt like the law of diminished returns had kicked in, and was at a better place than I have been in years.

Bernadette  did have some final advice, or a passing shot as it felt like at the time. Something I had not been willing to address if my complete lack of action, and only academic interest, in dating. When you suffer from low self-esteem, depression and varying degrees of anxiety, the idea of being in a meaningful relationship feels as impossible as winning the lottery.  While the mental health issues are mostly under control, dating and being in relationships still seems to be something for people who are not me.

In the ensuring conversation with Bernadette, I told her that I use Tinder, and while I get the occasional match, I struggle to start a conversation with any of them.  I admitted that this was because of a fear of rejection, and failure. She pointed out that I was already rejecting myself and failing myself.

Since then I made a promise to myself that I would only swipe right on women I would be willing to message, and to message all matches. This has resulted in fourteen matches, and no real conversations.

Which leaves me drinking twelve year old Scotch and watching Designated Survivor on a Saturday night, instead of chatting, either virtually or over drinks, with a curvy redhead insurance broker with unlikely blue eyes.

A coworker tells me that many people use Tinder as an ego boost rather than to meet people, which if true doesn’t help me much.

I keep staring at my pen wondering how to end this without it simply being a woe is me story, but all I can say is Bernadette, I’m going to keep trying.

So it seems the best way to start this venture is to tell you a little about myself.

I’m a thirty eight year old straight male, currently working in local government, in the environmental field- weed control, and maintaining trails, firebreaks, campgrounds and anything else the powers that be decide is important on that day. Before that I had a long and unexciting career in the retail side of the fuel industry. I live and work in the City of Albany, Western Australia.

I suffer from depression and anxiety with a side order of low self-esteem and insomnia. I’m on two types of anti-depressants and earlier this year I was seeing a psychologist.

I love to travel, mostly backpacking through SE Asia. I also enjoy reading, listening to music, the outdoors, and petting and looking at dogs.

Politically I lean hard to the left, and am occasionally accused of being a social justice warrior

I’m moderately tall, of average build with broad shoulders. I keep my dark brown hair closely cropped due to male pattern baldness. I have four piercings in my left ear, which is a recent development, partly due to being sick of the only backpacker with no piercings or tattoos, and partly because I was called boring by someone who I should probably have ignored.

I’m mostly going to blog about my life, travel and social issues. I’m basically using this as therapy, and because I stopped blogging previously due to my depression, which is now more under control.

That’s that, now let the dice fly high!